Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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