WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize