i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
