Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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