Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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