i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
