I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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