My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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