the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
