i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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