he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
