they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
