last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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