apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
