You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
