Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
