I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
