Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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