I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
