Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
