Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
