it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
There r osticjed everywhere
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
