I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
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