Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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