Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
