This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
