Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
