I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
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On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
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you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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