Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
