just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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