If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
