i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
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I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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