I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
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Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
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Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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