Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
