You're my little dorito
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
