It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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