the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
