This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
