she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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