i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
