"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
