i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
