I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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