Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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