Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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