I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
