Quick, to the slutcave!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
