I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Barsexuality is the new black.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
