If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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