I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
