Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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