I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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