Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
