i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
