I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
