There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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